Sunday, January 20, 2013

I got nothing

I got nothing.
I am feeling the doom of no prema.

Don't know what to do any more
I've lost the map, the rules of the game.
This is as close as I come to being insane.

There are no more stories or myths
that touch my heart
not Radha, not Krishna
not Tristan or Iseult
nor Laila and Majnun
they merely put the insanity of love of my plate
like a storm warning
a danger sign telling that this is the way to certain madness.

The dream, the ideal, the hallucination
banging its head against the real
inadequacy, the impossibility of being worthy of love
of being good enough
true enough
close enough
real enough to be close to you.

The agony of this separation
of not knowing how to bridge the gap
the sheer weight of mistakes and offenses
weighing my mind and heart down
like a bloated carcass floating
in the ocean, further and further from shore.

I got nothing
I thought there would be something called prema
at the end of this tunnel
now even liberation seems like a healthy option
and only a few days ago
I was calling it hell.

This foolishness,
this lack of pessimism
this false promise of hope
that love actually exists in me
in you, in God

My old foolish heart is cracking
with exhaustion
all my flaws and failures
adding up to a gigantic Yes it is my fault!
my failure.

But that makes it no less painful.

You are my only hope
I cannot leave you despite the pain
You are my only hope
I have to stay and suffer your
anger and the consequence of your suffering.
Which I have caused. My karma.

But I cannot go away.

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